Stapled
by Asaka Kiseragi
Summary: Long ago, Sanji had come to the conclusion that Luffy was an idiot. Later, he came to the conclusion that he himself was an idiot for following a captain who was beyond a shadow of a doubt an idiot.' Oneshot Humour Fic.


...Hi.

Welcome to my first ever One Piece story. I am so sorry that I have decided to inflict myself upon you people, but...eh...I love the anime, and it was bound to happen at some point.

This is the product of a large glass of Diet Coke, and a giggling conversation with my best friend; which let from how good One Piece was, to strange ideas involving smashing wood and staples - the product of which now awaits you below this author(ess') note...But first, we have to go to the ever present disclaimer. Woot.

_Disclaimer_: If I owned One Piece, I would've made sure that 4Kids never got their hands on it to ruin it. Plus I wouldn't be writing fan fictions. So, obviously, I do not own One Piece in any way, shape or form. Drat.

On with the...uh...show?

**Stapled**

Long ago, Sanji had come to the conclusion that Luffy was an idiot.

Later, he came to the conclusion that he himself was an idiot, for following a captain who was – beyond a shadow of a doubt – an idiot.

All this thinking had just resulted in a large headache, and a bitchy Sanji throwing people out of the kitchen all day.

Not that anyone – Luffy excluded of course – had tried to enter said kitchen, seeing as Sanji'd been indulging in his own form of painkiller: roughly fifteen cigarettes, although not all at once. And he was not being bitchy, just for the record. Sanji did not act 'bitchy'. Sanji was cool, calm, suave, sophisticated, a really good cook, and a kick-ass fighter when the time called for such things.

The word 'bitchy' did not come with Sanji's persona, thank-you-very-much. Zoro could claim he was until he was blue in the face, but Sanji had never listened to that cabbage head, and didn't plan on starting anytime soon.

_But this..._ Sanji thought, whilst staring in awe, _Is complete and utter proof that we're all following a mad man…_

Luffy was stood, his usual goofy grin plastered on his face, next to the splintered ruins of what had once been the mast of the Going Merry.

For the past ten minutes, no one – except Usopp, who was dancing around and stringing together a number of fierce curse words that Sanji didn't even know the boy knew over the damage done to the precious ship Kaya gave them – had been able to locate there vocal cords to speak, so had opted for gawking instead.

Finally, someone managed to find his or her illustrious vocal chords,

"…Luffy…you broke…the mast."

If someone else had said this, Sanji would've been tempted to inform him or her that they were really just pointing out the glaringly obvious. But although he didn't want to admit it, Luffy's usually reserved first mate had a tendency of speaking volumes in a few single words.

"Ahahaha…ha…" Luffy trailed off, his ever present grin still…ever present, "It's a funny story, you see…um…but I, uh…forgot it…"

Zoro let out a rather world-weary – and in Sanji's opinion; over-dramatic – sigh, before turning to glare at Usopp,

"Shut up a minute will you?" he snarled, causing the long nosed boy to skid to a halt and eye him warily,

"…We need to find some sort of rope to hoist the mast back up," Zoro continued, glancing around for any of the aforementioned object, "…Uh…Luffy…go and find something to secure the mast with, okay?" he finished; obviously searching for any way to get the captain as far away from the repair job as he could.

If possible, Luffy's grin stretched even wider, and he ran off singing something about getting some duct tape.

Zoro merely rolled his eyes, and began hauling a length of rope over toward the splinted mast.

Suddenly, there was the sound of someone tripping, and a yelp, followed by a ridiculously large crashing sound and the splintering of more wood.

Apparently not satisfied with destroying the mast, Luffy had decided to make a nice large hole in the kitchen wall; thus sending Usopp into another surprising string of uncharacteristic curses that would've made the Marines blush.

"…You broke…the wall…" Nami managed to choke out, as Luffy stuck his head out through the Going Merry's latest injury and grinned,

"Can we fix this with duct tape?" he asked cheerily, apparently not aware that he was causing thousands of beri's damage to his pirate ship.

Sanji sighed, and massaged his temples lightly,

"…No Luffy…"

"Well, I found this nifty stapler, would that work?"

"…"

"…What about if I stretched across the hole?" Luffy suggested, gripping onto the broken edges of the wall and stretching his body across the gap. Sanji stared for a couple of seconds, before grabbing the stapler and stapling the edges of Luffy's clothing to each side of the hole; a rather smug expression on his face. Not only was he fixing the problem for now, he was also preventing his 'illustrious leader' from causing any more damage.

Brilliant.

Somewhere in the background, Zoro stormed off muttering something about strangling himself with the rope.

OoOo

That had been two hours ago. It was now 11 p.m. and if Sanji had to hear one more rendition of '99 bottles of beer on the wall' he was going to kill himself, or even better, Luffy.

"LUFFY, WILL YOU SHUT UP!"

"But I'm boooooorrrrreeeeeddddddd…" came the whining reply, before the song started up again, "23 bottles of beer on the wall…23 bottles of beer…"

Sanji groaned and resting his head in his hands,

"…You forgot 24…" he said, dejectedly.

"…Hey yeah! Thanks Sanji!"

Another groan, and the sound of the blond chef's head smacking into the table.

"I think I'm going to go and drown myself now…" he informed his captain, who let out a terrified yelp,

"NOO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! WHO'LL COOK FOR ME!"

"…Actually, if I take you with me…I'll drown faster," Sanji observed, eyeing his captain's back in thought.

"But I'm not suicidal yet," came the chipper reply, "And I'm hungry!"

Sanji smacked his head into the table again, before digging around in his jacket pocket and pulling out three cigarettes.

Raising his head just enough to stick the three glorious sticks of nicotine into his mouth and light them, Sanji took a long, long drag.

Sometimes, he wondered if finding All Blue was really worth all this damage his nerves were taking.

"Sanji…are you on fire? I smell burning."

He really did.

OoOo

...I think there was a method to my madness in there somewhere.

...Oh well. O.o;;

-Asaka-


End file.
